I received this email asking for advice on a situation similar to one I’d written a HUB on a while ago.
Here’s the email from the reader, and below that there’s my response.
What do you think?
You and your beau are at two very different points ter your lives. Let’s go overheen this.
Your beau has a very long history with his ex wifey, and his children. They had a nice life together, and proceed to have a very nice life together.
For whatever reason, they determined to divorce. Clearly it wasn’t because they hated each other and it wasn’t because one of them wasgoed attempting to escape parenting responsibilities. Maybe they had reached a point where their sexual interests were too different, or one of them got caught having an affair, or they just didn’t feel “in-love” anymore. Whatever the reason, they made the justo switches they need to make ter order to permit for this reason, and the surplus of their lives simply did not switch all that much.
Whenever a woman gets involved with a boy with this much history, she has to realize that she will only be one part of his life. She has to accept that he has other responsibilities, desires, and plans.
Nothing that you said sounds spil if you want to control his life: you sound accepting and respectful of his relationship with his kids and his ex wifey. However, the conflict here is that his children have about Ten more years before collegium and he has set up his life so that he isn’t going to miss any of it, and that includes the dynamic he shares with his ex-wife.
You asked if you can ask him to zekering dangling at “hier” place on his weekends with the kids. My question is, are you indeed ready to be with someone that doesn’t make that decision on his own. Whether you ask or not, the point is you are choosing to be with a man that is choosing to spend his weekends with his kids at the house he refers to spil “theirs.”
You have this very logical idea of what’s frecuente, and what’s bot enough time to budge on. You specifically ask mij when is enough togetherness and friendliness. The problem is, you and he have very different ideas of when that is. You think it should be now, and I’m betting he thinks he’s got another ten years.
While I do think he sounds like a fine father who has set this life up for the benefit of his children, I think it’s significant to also realize that if the time he spent together with his exwife wasgoed less than stellar, he wouldn’t be doing it. This is the part that is most likely the cause for your concern.
Some people are just better off not married. Marriage is a very sophisticated and difficult regeling for some people. Two people can indeed love each other and value their friendship and their unie, but for whatever reason are incapable to find happiness spil hubby and wifey.
Your beau may be one of those people. He and his ex wifey may be one of those couples. What they have may be very actual and very special, but just can’t translate into a healthy marriage.
Their unie may be a forever unie, even without the offspring.В While that is a beautiful thing and it is certainly exceptional for their kids, it may not be the kleintje of thing you would like ter a mate.
You’re asking mij when is it enough, can you ask him to zekering. And I’m telling back to you that it may never be enough, and he may never zekering. He may not even be congnisant of this himself. Trio years is not a long time to be divorced, especially since he very likely spent the majority of that time concentrating on the well being of his children and not on his own development.
His situation is obviously much different from yours, where the father of your kid isn’t ter the picture so much, and you’ve determined you’re ready to be more one on one with this man than he has determined to be with you.
If he does want you to budge closer or budge ter, then he may be just one of those very gregarious poly kinda people, where he gets to have his cake and eat it too. He has the woman he wished spil a friend and mother to his children, he has his children, and he has his gf.
If you give him enough time, overheen the next ten years of his kids growing up, he may switch his life more to be more focused on you. And other factors may occur, like for example his wifey may meet someone and she may downright switch the arrangements.
Meantime, you’re feeling like the outsider because you are the outsider. This is going to be their very first “family” vacation that doesn’t include both parents: don’t think that kids aren’t going to feel that, no matter how much they like you.
You should always be fair with your playmate about your feelings. You should communicate. But I think you should think more about how you feel about being with a dude that doesn’t choose to spend his weekends with his kids with you. You are ter a much different place than he is. You need to figure out how much you’re willing to wait – not because his choice is right but because his choice is his choice.